


Love Means Pain

by VisionaryGalaxy



Category: The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Communication, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Idiots in Love, M/M, Nightmares, Parabatai Bond, Protective Alec Lightwood, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-16
Updated: 2017-11-16
Packaged: 2019-02-03 04:17:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12740847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VisionaryGalaxy/pseuds/VisionaryGalaxy
Summary: Jace suffers from nightmares since being killed by Valentine, Alec is tired of watching him in pain. Love will always hurt, and its ok to be afraid.Please mind the tags.





	Love Means Pain

**Author's Note:**

> Well this went in a completely different direction then originally intended. Turns out I'm a sucker for communication.
> 
> Also, please note Jace is not suicidal and does not have any mental health issues, but his coping mechanisms are unhealthy even though he doesn't think so. If that might trigger you please do not risk it. Please let me know if there is a particular tag I should add. Thank you and enjoy!

Alec was exhausted, which was a dangerous thing to be when going on a hunt, but tonight like so many others there was no way he could say no. Jace had woken him at one in the morning with bright eyes and shaking hands, but already geared up to leave. He had a nightmare than and for a moment Alec berated himself for not feeling his lover, his parabatai stir next to him, but he pushed away the pang of self-loathing and just nodded tiredly at Jace’s silent plea.

Sometimes the nightmares would leave Jace shattered and high on adrenalin, a deadly mix, especially for him and the only way he knew how to handle it was to runaway and distract himself with a hunt. Alec hadn’t even noticed at first, something he still felt guilty over, but eventually the nightmares became obvious and a cold bed too often for Alec to remain ignorant and he would find himself in an endless tunnel of helplessness as Jace slipped away at night. Finally, after a few too many blood covered nights and mornings spent in the infirmary Alec managed to convince him to always wake him so he could join him on hunts and watch his back.

Alec wasn’t stupid, however, and he knew it only for his own benefit that Jace allowed his presence. Jace would block the bond for the night to create what solitude he could, but he knew better than to deny Alec’s protective will. Alec was grateful for that small allowance so he did not complain as he rose from the bed and quickly dressed in battle gear. But as he grabbed his bow and seraph blade Alec couldn’t suppress the small angry voice that always awoke on these nights that blamed Jace for his inability to just _talk_ to Alec and instead go on a self-destructive escapade through the city. He had attempted to pull the story from his lover on several occasions only to result in anger and shouting, then whispered apologies. But still they never ended up moving forward, and for all his love Alec couldn’t help but wonder why Jace couldn’t trust him enough for this, after everything they had been through.

In silence they moved through the Institute and slipped into the night. Jace didn’t look at him as he took off, not a glance and not a word. Alec knew that after all the millions of times they had done this he shouldn’t be hurt by the lack of acknowledgment, but he was. It was his job to take care of his parabatai, and despite the loving and adoring nature Jace secretly hid, the nightmares were the drastic exceptions. He became a self-absorbed island, likely reliving the nightmares over and over, distant and unreachable, at least until morning.

When the sun would rise and they made their way back to the Institute Jace would without fail look at him with wet eyes, tired face, and a whispered “I’m sorry.” Alec would simply shake his head, knowing sentimental words would do nothing to sooth his lover, and would guide him to their bed where he would hold Jace until he drifted off. The guilt of keeping Alec awake would then move Jace to do small grateful gestures for days after even at Alec’s protest, though Alec never admits that these gestures often sooth any of the hurt he felt on those nights. Things, he knew, would go back into a routine for them until the next time, usually a month or so later.

But first they had to make through the night. Alec was never worried about the demons Jace would find, because they were usually low-level and posed little threat. This was a small comfort for Alec who couldn’t sync properly with his parabatai through a blocked bond. The block did nothing to impede Jace, however, when they came upon the first demons. It was a small group of ravener demons in an alley, Alec stayed back arrow cocked in the bow and eyes on the Jace as he charged forward and with unnerving focus slaughtered the demons one by one.

Alec tried not to feel the dissatisfaction that leaked through their bond as Jace slew the final one, face grim and eyes darting for another target. For a moment their eyes met, but Jace quickly looked away and made his way out of the small alley dripping ichor.

He could tell this would be a long night, and as rain started to fall Alec dutifully followed his parabatai through the city, and with each demon found he prayed it would be enough to sooth the frayed edges of his lover.

They were two hours away from dawn and Alec was surviving only thanks to the stamina and wakefulness ruins he had drawn on himself. Even so his feet dragged as Jace eagerly turned down another alley. Jace had slowly been coming back to himself throughout the night, and he no longer blocked the bond, which Alec was incredibly grateful for since he could finally sync up as they fought. He figured Jace had killed a couple dozen demons, and he himself perhaps seven or eight that got a little too close.

They would be calling it a night sometime soon. Jace’s eyes had begun to droop slightly and his pale face hinted that he was as cold from the rain as Alec. Unfortunately, tonight would not end like all the others. Alec had just turned into the alley after Jace to find him surrounded by nearly 20 low-level demons, all circling and gathering together. He froze, his heart stilling a moment as he saw his lover among them wide-awake now but moving too sluggishly for this sudden onslaught.

Alec stopped thinking and ran. He began shooting arrow after arrow, prioritizing the ones getting too close to Jace’s back. It immediately drew the attention of several demons but Alec ignored them, continuing to shoot into the horde around Jace. When the ones that had become interested in him got to close Alec dropped his bow and pulled his seraph blade and began to slash at whatever was close enough to hit as he adamantly moved toward Jace. Ichor splattered on his face as he pushed the blade into the eye socket of a demon that lunged at him and drawing a knife he managed to slash one going for his feet. In the midst of the chaos Alec spotted only Jace’s blond hair bobbing between demons and with a frustrated cry Alec shoved himself forward and suddenly he was in the small circle Jace had created around himself. The moment their backs hit each other so their respective sides could be defended Alec’s breath caught as he felt his heart slow to match the steady comforting beat of his lovers.

For a moment Alec wanted to laugh at the euphoric feeling coming from his parabatai, who was so happy in the face of something Alec actually considered a nightmare for himself. But as he cast his eyes about he realized that most of the demons were dead and a single ring of them surrounded their position now. It turned out they managed to rid themselves of the last ones fairly quickly though by the end Alec was breathing hard and he had several cuts and bruises. Glancing over at Jace he was smiling as he pulled out his blade from the carcass of the last demon.

He spun toward Alec, marched up and pushed his lips to his. The first true acknowledgment of the night. “Now that was the therapy I needed.” His eyes were gleaming with left over adrenalin.

“you mean getting ambushed and almost dying was what you needed to feel better?” Alec asked incredulously.

Jace laughed, “don’t be over dramatic, we weren’t going to die from a few demons Alec. God I’ve missed a good fight with you.”

Alec couldn’t help but clench his teeth to keep from saying something he would regret. Almost getting killed was not therapy, and here Jace was acting like everything was fine and it wasn’t his self-destructive tendencies that had put them in a dangerous situation. Suddenly, an image of Isabelle came up before his eyes, of her smile drooping and eyes filling with tears.

They had almost died and Izzy, or his parents wouldn’t have had a clue, all because Jace wanted to fight things out instead of talk. Lord knew Alec wasn’t a great talker himself but he realized, horrified, that all this time he hadn’t been helping Jace at all but encouraging these horrible habits. All because he was afraid that to force Jace to talk about these nightmares would do more harm then good, but now he saw there was nothing worse then this.

“Alec?”

Jace was looking at him wide eyed and a little afraid. A hand came up to cup his cheek and wipe away what was apparently a stray tear. Alec loved him so much, and to be this helpless suddenly felt like he was drowning slowly because he didn’t know how to even express what he was feeling, or how important it was for his lover to finally talk to him about it.

“Jace this has to stop.”

Confusion. Jace blinked slowly. “stop?”

“You can’t do this anymore, you could have died.”

Jace’s expression shuttered and the bond exuded wariness. “You don’t have to come along Alec, I never forced you too.”

Anger washed through Alec, and that was completely refreshing. “That is not what I meant and you know it.”

“do I?”

“YES, you do know it Jace! I know these nightmares have been happening ever since you died on that beach with Valentine, and even before that, and I know it traumatized you but this is not fucking healthy. You know I come on these hunts with you because I’m so terrified that I am going to wake up in the middle of the night feeling the bond ripping apart slowly all over again and there will be nothing I can do to stop it because I failed you just like the first time. So I am _begging_ you Jace to stop putting us both through this.” Alec’s breath came harshly as he watched for Jace’s response, but he had only paled considerably and was watching him with wide guilty eyes. And fuck that was not what he wanted to happen.

“Alec I’m sorry. I just-” his mouth moved soundlessly like he just couldn’t figure out what to say. And Angels why did this have to be so hard?

Finally, Jace swallowed and looked up at him fearfully for a moment, before whispering “I don’t dream about dying, not exactly.”

Alec blinked and slowly moved forward, hand reaching out to grab one of Jace’s. A sense of shaky resolution went through the bond toward Alec and his breath caught. Tears gathered in Jace’s eyes and Alec was suddenly tugging him closer and into his arms, faced tucked securely in his neck. He said nothing and waited for Jace.

“When I died Alec, you weren’t the only one who felt the bond break,” the whispered words were punctuated by a sudden indescribable wave of pain that Alec closed his eyes against even as it caused his heart to ache.

“I’m so sorry.”

A quiet wet laugh sounded from his lover, “why? Were you the one that died?”

Alec pressed his face into Jace’s damp hair and tried not to cry, “it felt like it.”

Jace quieted and hugged him tighter, a gently kiss was pressed to the side of Alec neck, “I know.”

Jace let out a heavy breath. “I have never felt more afraid then when I felt our bond break, even when that knife slid into me and I realized I was gonna die, all I could think about was you, and that I would rather die then keep feeling that pain. I can imagine nothing worse.”

Alec closed his eyes tightly but tears slipped out anyway, “I know.”

“So when I came back and I felt you again, and I felt our bond reform I was so happy at first. I was relieved, but more than that I was completely and utterly terrified.”

Alec stilled, not sure how to feel about that revelation accompanied with the anxiety echoing through the bond.

Jace was now gripping him with a new fervour and he rushed out his words as if afraid he would never have the chance to again. “I dream about dying sometimes yes, but those I can deal with. Its the nightmares where I feel you die over and over, sometimes it’s the moment I’m dying and I feel that pain again, and others its just you leaving me, dying while I’m helpless to stop it. I’m so terrified to feel that pain again that sometimes the thought of our bond overwhelms me because I’m always going to be waiting for the next time we break.”

Alec’s heart was beating too fast for a moment trying to understand the implications of this. “Why didn’t you just tell me that?”

Jace was already shaking his head, “It wasn’t something I thought you could help me with, I was being weak and I didn’t want you to worry. Hunting helped distract me, and when you started coming along I felt a lot better…I just…this is so stupid and I hate being so afraid.”

Alec tried to trample the treacherous feeling of betrayal trying to grow inside him because it was both unproductive for Jace and unfair of him, but still he couldn’t help but ask, needed to know, “So when you left at night…when you started blocking the bond when I came with you… it was because you didn’t want it, didn’t want to feel our connection?”

Jace pulled back abruptly from his arms and looked at him with wild eyes. His hands shot up to grip the sides of Alec’s face and pull him close, forcing eye contact even as Alec felt the overwhelming urge to look away. “Alec NO. I love you with all my heart, I meant every word of our vow at our parabatai ceremony, at our wedding. I _love_ you Alec, and nothing changes that, I just needed a bit of space.”

Still Alec couldn’t help the feelings rushing through him as horrible as they were. It was an old insecurity of Alec’s that Jace was well aware of. The fear that Jace could never truly love him as much as Alec did him, that one day he would wake up and decide this wasn’t what he wanted. Still he murmured the words Jace needed to hear in order to calm down, “I know, I love you too.”

Jace’s eyes narrowed and Alec couldn’t help but look away, Jace growled and let go of either side of his head only to grip his chin again and force him to focus on him. “Don’t do that Alec, I’m trying here and I have every right to expect you to do the same. I know I scared you tonight and I admit it was reckless and my behaviour has been irrational but you don’t get to think I don’t love you just because I can’t help being a little afraid right now.” It cost Jace to say that and Alec could see it.

Alec suddenly felt like the biggest asshole alive just because here Jace was traumatized and finally opening up to him and he let one of his own old insecurities come first. Fuck that was stupid of him, and when he shut up his over thinking brain for second, it was clear that it wasn’t the Jace didn’t love him and wanted out, it was that he loved him too much and was afraid of getting hurt again.

Jace was looking at him with worried eyes now, that old haunted look sliding into them, so Alec gently took Jace’s hand off his chin and leaned in. he pressed their foreheads together and focused on summoning the words he needed to help his parabatai, his lover, like he had been trying to do for months now.

“Jace I love you and I _know_ you love me,” he sent a wave of conviction through the bond. “I’m so sorry that I didn’t realize what was wrong earlier-”

“I didn’t want you to know.” Alec ignored him.

“I don’t blame you for being scared of the bond after that, most people never have to live with the idea of a second break and ever since it happened I have been scared too and it is _not_ weakness…its us being human. I failed you once and I’m so scared of failing you again.”

“Alec-”

“Shh” Alec pushed ahead.

“But I am so grateful for a second chance with you. I wake up every morning and when the thought passes that I might lose you again today, I remind myself that every precious second I have with you until that time is a miracle and a gift that I will not waste.”

Tears had started to flow down Jace’s cheeks, and Alec reached up to wipe them. “I’m not saying don’t be afraid, I’m asking for you to talk to me about it instead of doing things that might make that time sooner rather then later. I know its hard and ironic coming from me but please don’t run next time you have a nightmare, let me help, even if we need to block the bond for a bit,” Alec raised hopeful eyes to his lover to find Jace already burning into his.

He offered a watery smile, “I can promise that parabatai.” Jace surged forward to press his lips to his and they both let out a sudden gasp at the feeling of something clicking into place, their souls connecting as it sought to dispel what had twisted their bond. Their breath came easier and Jace leaned into Alec heavily, exhaustion finally setting in as the sun began to rise over the buildings. They stayed in the shaded alley feeling protected by the walls as they just breathed one another in. A great weight lifted off them even if temporarily.

Alec was far from stupid, and he knew it would never be that easy for them. The fear of losing someone you love, the fear of the pain it caused only became harder to overcome once you suffered through it once. It could leave a horribly nasty scar, but that scar could be healed when tended to gently and with love. If you allowed infection to set in it could break the soul and body into a lonely hurt thing, and Alec would be forever grateful that he was allowed to save Jace and show him that sometimes love could be worth the pain, if you make the time between mean something special.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! I hope you enjoyed this, I might be posting a different version at some later time since this one got away from me and did not go where I wanted lol.


End file.
